my complicated thingy no more but it hurts...

I have been living my complicated life since I admit to my self that I love him..but it feels good sometimes to be in that way..but when my family gets in between it pains me a lot knowing that I cannot choose him over my family..our families were friends, he's my bestfriends sibling and we're best of friends as well..but what can we do when love chooses to knock on our hearts door when I'm not yet ready and specially with him..we have this so called bond that even my cousin got to notice..I just shrug it out..coz we both know that we can't push through..I wish I could tell him freely that I love him just the same..

We enjoyed our status as being friends..but sometimes I felt his possessiveness specially when he found out that I'm still having a contact with my ex fiance..will his feelings is not unknown to me..yes..we've come to that point that we'd confessed..and I let my self be engulfed with it even for just that moment..ours was just a stolen moment..but my happiest ..during my misery from losing my 1st love he was there..it was his hand that I felt electricity..it was his presence that i felt comforted..then I had my another heartbreak..he was with me too...I didn't know that he also broke up with his girl..and I still didn't recognize my feelings for him then, for me his just my buddy my closest guy friend..but I always wonder why everytime I have my relationship, he also finds one, and when I am broke, he's also broke...

Our feelings got deeper..but its useless..its forbidden..my family remind me not to let my self entangled with any sort of romantic thingy with them coz were like family..the reason is too shallow but I cannot disobey..so he decided to work abroad..just to be away from..maybe by that he can forget me..we never contacted each other.. and I tried hard to forget my feelings for him..so i thought i am ok..but when he comes back it was me right away that he looked for..I should not feel happy and giddy but I am..so we're back just like before..only we leveled up..MU..no words..just pure action..but things between us didn't scape our family's observant eyes..it pains me a lot when they told me to stop seeing him as long as my feelings do not waver yet..he was reprimanded also by his parents.. one night he texted me to meet him..so we meet..we talked..he asked me if I am willing to eloped with him..I said No..yes I said no,I don't want to make things more complicated and that kind of relationship is not one of my desired one..elope is far from my simple brain can handle and have..he asked me if I love him I said yes..he asked me why I can't fight for it..I answered..are we gonna win?are we gonna push through this knowing that we're goin' to hurt our parents..I'm not gonna be happy knowing that I hurt my mom..and I don't believe the against all odds love thing..I saw pained in his face..he told me if only I can risk.. if only i can take an adventure with him....I told him if only our family's are not involved maybe I would take every risk, and adventure we would deal with...he asked me if we can hold hands..I nod..we stayed like that no talking just hold hands..he gripped my hand..i let him..I actually want it to be like that forever but I know after we unhold..it will be our last..so let I it be..then suddenly he pulled me and hugged me tighter..i let him..we hugged..we stayed still in that position..I didn't know but I felt my tears were rushing down..then I felt him shaking..and I felt his tear drops on my neck as he burried his face..we were like that crying..we didn't go home that night..but we didn't sleep..we just lie down him hugging me..no words..I frequently heard him having a deep sigh..till daylight comes..then we decided to have our 1st meal since last night we didn't take any..he's still holding my hand.. I just let him..I told my self just this once ..just now ..I'll savor my time with him..after we ate our breakfast..we take another walk..i just followed his lead..I didn't notice we're now leading our place..for one last time I looked at him in the eye..he smiled at me..the he told me the word that I don't want to hear from him..yen I love you..if only you would let me..but I know you won't..I wanted to tell that I love him too but I controlled my self..why should I..when I know it would be of no use anymore..instead i told him "friends?" he smile..and pulled me to hug...I wanna cry and shout that I love him..my chest was tightening..so I freed my self from his hug..afraid that my mom would see us..he let go of me walked out without turning back..and i walked fast to my room and cried..that was two months ago..yes we've ended our complicated thingy..but after that I never heard anything from him..but today I saw him..yes I saw him..and seeing him kills me in pain..why? because he's with someone else..its so unfair..i'm still in pain..I hope could have someone too..but I can't..how can I when I still love him..I told my self that i'll stop loving him..yes I have to stop specially now that he has moved on..after seeing him with her..I don't know how I managed to go away from that place..we never met eye to eye but I know he saw me..ahhh why I'm always in pain..I can't sleep..I have to let this out..but I miss him..and i know that i don't have the right too..its my choice why we ended like this..I hate complications so to avoid it I pushed him away, I ignore my happiness..will i be able to find that happiness again? I hope so..and if it comes I pray that my family won't get in between..I pray his happiness too..yes it hurts but what can I can do..maybe we're just bound to be friends..ohw not just now..maybe when I found my self ready to really call him friend..