sorry

I know that this account is for jaevon alone..my apology if I have to insert a piece of me..I just cannot contain anymore..actually this is far from my complicated thingy..its different ..i never thought I would go back from where I started..all I know was that I have already moved on..not until the breaking news I've heard yesterday..

have you guys lost someone you dearly love and hold at your young age?hmmm someone you just talked earlier and never thought it would be your last?someone you were never took seriously coz you were still too young then, but deep in your heart you knew that it is him that you wanted to share the rest of your life ..yet..your not just ready ..yes..your still young..you value your family, and you live with everybody's expectation..your ideals..your principles..yes..at a young age I already have a strong principles that is to follow first  with what my family wanted me to be..and that includes of no BF till I graduated.. will that part I disobey..I secretly said yes to someone I never thought would fall for me..why? I was a freshmen then he was a Junior.. I was boyish(feminine at heart)..hmmm he's some kind of hot and famous..academically speaking..I was a freshmen's president and he was the junior's president, that was how are path crossed..but we didn't start there..well I must say I maybe a boyish but I am indeed a snobbish..and I still am..that's what I am when I hardly known a person..then I found out that one of my group had a crush on his bestfriend and they were friends..so we sometimes have our snacks/lunch together..me being the boyish/playful and snobbish and him being the ever silent and observant..honestly it took me months before I actually talked to him and think of him that were ok (friends)..then we become really close i looked up to him..I always asked his opinion bout matters that we both engaged in "leadership" he never wanted me to call him Kuya w/c I just shrugged out..because of closeness I never took noticed that we somehow spacing already from our friends and just live ourselves with our own world that we both didn't know we built in just a matter of time..well for me he's really a brother and a bestfriend..having a boyfriend that time was not my priority and was never occurred in my mind oh well I have crushes but he's not one of them.yeah I never saw him that way...until one afternoon.. he just asked me the what if question which I answered Yes right away ,only to find out that he's up to something my no bf mind could not comprehend..yes in that instant I've got him as my bf without me knowing bout it..I'm still in daze for having a bf when he instantly popped up during my eng. sub. and sneaked me out grabbing my things while my instructor facing the white board and bring me home to meet his parents..yes with that whole day I disobeyed my family without me really knowing it and I met his family..for me it was just a play w/c I sometimes play my role well and sometimes in a childish way, but he took it really seriously..from that day on we become more inseparable..well because he always tagged me along..and he always tagged along even if I didn't want to..what we have is not unknown to everybody specially to his parents, but to my family it is unknown..but one of my cousin (my bestfriend) knew bout him..our not so secret relationship was full of happy thoughts..I couldn't really recall of unhappy thoughts with him..there's no dull moments with him..but it was cut shortly..It was friday afternoon we were at one corner along with our friends he was too sweet..too sweet that he's even talking bout the future of me and him..too serious of it while me just listening bout it without even grasping everything that he said..well i'm not just ready that time coz of my age and he knows that..it was just a plan anyway he told me..and he will take that plan in action when the right time comes..I laughed at him..he even pinched my nose for not taking it seriously w/c earned another laugh from me..and with that he laughed with me..then he whispered "please do take it seriously" so I stopped and looked at him..I just simply nod..with that he held both my hands and smiled at me..and once more whispered "i love you" w/c I just simply answered with a smile and "i know"..yes I haven't told him that one line I know he longed to hear from me..then our solemn sweetness disturbed by an announcement one of our friends proudly announced..they will have night out..but I can't..why? I'm jsut 16 then..no nights out..he wants to come but I cannot and he respected me..he knew that I'm not allowed,so he asked me if he can go with them..I nod..he doesn't want too if  I'm not gonna go..I smiled at him then whispered "i love you too" yes for the first time I told him  that one line..then I hugged him..we hugged..then he whispered I love you more" I just laugh and sniffed his manly cologne then I said "go have fun and enjoy" with that he looked at me cupped my face and kissed me on my nose..with that I buried my face again on his chest..our friends was no longer visible..then time for me to go home..he didn't want me to let go, our hands were still intertwined  he pulled me again and hugged me once more and for the second time I said "I love you too" then I tipped toe and kissed him on his nose..he was shock it was my first attempt..but his happy..he told me " i hope I can be vocal always with how I feels for him..I didn't say a word..I just nod..but deep within me I said "I will" then I  let go of my self from his hold and run away from him..coz if I won't do it we will end up in that corner till the morning comes..I looked back at him and as he always do whenever we part ways..he's still there looking at me smile ready for my turning..I don't know but that was the time were in i wouldn't want to be away from him...I almost run back to him...I stopped and watched him from a far..we were staring at each other with that distance..then I saw him walking towards me ..he was smiling..I just looked at him..I wonder why I never wanted to end that day with him..I missed him even if he's just infront f me..and we were together the whole day..with that feeling I hugged him not minding the other students who where looking at us..that was my first time again..he hugged me back..then he broke the hug and let me go home..but before that he told me to be happy in everything..that i have to enjoy my youth and that he loves me so much..at my young age i fell inlove with him..my young love.. my first love..I was hesitant to go home but he push me.and said that I have to go home,my parents would get mad if i'll be late from the time I'm supposed to be at home..I agreed..but for the first time I said" I love you" not a response with his I love you..he rustled my hair and said " I love you more my Aia"..from that I go and I never turned back..not knowing that it will be our last time together..my last time to be with him..yes..my last time..and no matter how I turned back the time ..it will never gonna happen again..I will never see him smile again.. I will never hear his voice again..I will never felt his hug again..and most of all I will never hear him say he loves me again..it kills me to know that the man who promised me of taking into action the plans that he has for both of us is no longer with me..and his plans will remain as a plan alone..having learned and heard the things that had happened to him it almost killed me..for the first time I felt like a none existing thing..I cried to death..who would not when the one you thought you would forever with left you without him wanting it and without knowing it..he was stabbed that night and dead on arrival..It took me years to stop crying from his absence...i let my self moved on for I know that he will never come back..I start to live again my life no longer thinking bout him..yes I have moved on ..until yesterday..one of my neighbor was stabbed same age as him and was dead on arrival..upon hearing that.. memories of him runs through my mind again..and the feelings was there the first time I heard bout it..yes..the pain..of losing him ..I honestly don't know what to do..I don't wanna be in this room of pain again..the pains that make my eyes shed tears non-stop...I'm in pain right now..my life has been complicated this days but i never felt this way..hope I can cope up from this right away and regain my self again..

Again I'm sorry.. I use some spot in here for my self.. I just want to let it out..